after so much struggle, perhaps it's better that it's locked up. for now only though. ((((((((((:

and the key is thrown away!

can i throw you off the building?

what are you trying to hide?

yo peeps! im finally back! after a long break from the com, im finally using it again. firstly i wanna thank some very impt ppl who helped me so much along the way.

God
Desiree
Wesley
Daniel

thank you all so much for helping me thru this period of exams! rlly appreciated it alot!

im having mixed emotions. aha. im...

happy- cos exams are over, even if its just for now, but still its a break from all those turmoil. and for this exam, i've really worked hard! and im glad because i've worked hard with the help of many. finally, im taking a break! yea! hehe. im gonna enjoy myself fully before i chiong for o levels again.

sad- cos even though i've worked hard but there are still some papers which are tough. and its rather discouraging esp when its maths, my fav sub. and speaking abt subjects..i think this 4 years have been my worst years so far. i have never imagined myself taking only 6 subjects. even though i seem happy about the guaranteed A1 but its still somoewhat disappoints me that im taking 6 subs.

anxious- well this is the last time we get to sit for an exam. the next exam will be the o levels. i really wonder if i can pull thru well enough this time. though its still quite sometime for results to be out but im quite anxious alr. and im really hoping that i had improved from the previous one, not just bcos i am taking only 6 but bcos i've worked for it.

aha! well....im gonna just enjoy for now! worrying doesn't really help. haha. and im sure God will give me the best out of all things. okie. im gonna spend my time well on msn too!! been quite some time since i logged on to haf a gd chat! haha!

this week has been really tiring. both physically and mentally. work has been piling up and stress is getting on me. but i noe it wont control me. i learnt a very important lesson last night. a lesson that breaks my heart and i'm sure that was how i have broken God's heart too. because of the song that sings 'break my heart for what breaks Yours.' when God said honor your father and your mother, He meant your father and mother, your parents. many times i did not understand that, and i thought it was impossible to honor my dad and mum. even though many times i tried to make them happy with whatever i got, but one small failure can equate all that i have achieved for them to nothing. this was really discouraging for me. and i thought since that's e way things work for them, then i might as well not bother anymore. but someone taught me this very lesson last night, that God wants me to honor my parents. i couldn't understand, why is God making me do something so pointless. but then i realized that God had loved me too much to leave me unchanged. because He loves me, He wants me to become someone whom my parents can be proud of. and then this qn pop into my mind, will they see it even if this happens? or will it never change. and it was all about childlike faith. for wad u can't see, u just believe in God.

my fren wrote this paragraph to me. he said ' ur complete in Christ...you dun nid to go on msn to let go of stress, u din haf to talk to frens to feel loved, u dun haf to see studies as an enemy to conquer, but see it as an opportunity, a stepping stone to ur future, and show ur parents that u are a child of God and you want to please them and make them proud of you...' after he said that i could not stop crying. and many questions were in my head. and i start to ask God, does that mean that i dun nid to haf frens, does that mean that i cannot talk to frens to feel loved? and i start to think about these questions. and suddenly one question came to mind, if God loves you, will He do that to you? i realised, that it does not mean that God doesn't allow me to have frens but instead to rely on Him. frens are only a form of earthly support. if not why would He have placed frens in my life to begin with?

Dear God, i know that i have broken Your heart, again and again. i'm really sorry. i really didn't mean to. God, please forgive me. and let Your love fill my heart. God, can i have Your love? can i have all of them? can i have Your strength and comfort? for You said, ask and you will receive. i'm sorry that i have not viewed things in Your perspective, but instead on my own. i'm sorry that i have relied on my own strength for the things that i do. and i thank You for teaching me such an important lesson, for revealing to me what is on Your heart, for loving me too much to leave me unchanged. God, i know, that all You see is my heart and not what i do. God, change my heart and let it be pleasing to You, i give my life to You, surrendering all into Your hands, as a living sacrifice. i want to live for You. no doubt You have placed frens in my life, but God, i know that Your purpose is not to let them distract me away from You, but instead to help me to grow and mature in You. God help me to know where i should focus on, help me to get my priorities right. at the end of the day, not only that i want to let my parents be proud of me, but i want also, that You can say that You are proud of me. God i thank You for this precious lesson that You have taught me. In Jesus name, amen.

but the only question with me now,
is do i make you proud?

Dear God,
I thank You for today morning's time of fellowship, for telling me the things that i need to deal with. God it was such a wonderful time that You have given me. and i thank You that I am able to send Georgie off. Indeed parting is sad but God i noe that our friendship lasts because we have eternal promise in You. Thank You Lord. Lord, You know what happened today. I reflected as well. And I'm sorry that i've taken it too far. Lord, now i just wanna focus on You, not the world, not what i am gonna get for Os, but You. for i know You are the One who is eternal ultimately. Lord, You know how i feel, and You know what i am thinking. Lord, please help me. all the time i am gonna spend thinking about him, i'm gonna give it to You Lord. God help me through this period, when prelims are drawing near each and everyday, and all these thoughts are bugging me as well. God i surrender all to You now. I will listen and i will obey. God, You have shown me Your miracles, God, can You show me Yourself? all i want is You and who You are.

In Jesus name,
Amen.

yayy! journal page 2! haha!

yesterday had been a tiring but fulfilling day! yes, it was mother's day. but due to my exams i did not have time to get anything for my mum..so i ate lunch with her instead. and i thank God for arranging everything in such perfect timing! cos usually i have lunch with my 2 dearest cell leaders and their adult cell, but tt day they did not go for service and so i could eat lunch with my mum without feeling distracted! haha! at least i won't feel bad for not eating lunch with them. yay! and after lunch i had to go for GDOP! haha! i love it totally! i was a flag-bearer that day and at first i thought ok, the flag is gonna be taller than me and bigger than me. and i was worrying if i could wave it properly and all. but when the actual thing came, God really works! everything just came out perfectly well and beautiful! all the actions were co-ordinated well and i could really worship God even when i was waving, without having to worry if my flag was in the correct direction. even the prayers and all, God had planned it well. and i thank Him that i could pray with kristie! yayy! buddy! haha! though it was tiring but it had brought me great joy! yayy!

tomorrow is the day! sigh. after a long wait, it is finally here. like how everyone feels, we are anticipating yet we are avoiding. and yes, it is because of fear of failing. many teachers were saying that our class is the second last class for combined humans. well, after receiving such news, how enthusiastic can i get? and the whole level did badly for chem. crap. what else can we expect? it is really really worrying to hear this kinda news going around,especially if they are from the teachers' mouths. many teachers have been dropping hints that our cohort did not perform. but i'm not gonna think about it anymore. i just wanna hide behind God. i have a big problem, but i have a BIGGER GOD. May You Name be blessed, O God.

went for service today and it really inspired me to start this journal. this journal is to remember how has God helped me, and to know that God is here with me.

time flies. i agree. time really flies. it is already saturday and tmr's sun! my break ends tmr and i need to start studying for prelims that is 3 months to come. and i thank God that i have a really fulfilling week this week. as most might know, i went to church to help out and yes, it is really a wonderful experience. many times i tell myself that the jobs are tiring and i am really tired of doing them over and over again. but then again, i remind myself that if this is what God has arranged, then i want to do what He wants me to. and indeed, after all that i've done, God rewards. His rewards are not money, not treats, not anything but memories. i thank God that i can take bus with trinette! though it's $1.60 per ride, but i thank God that the memories He rewarded are much more worthwhile than $1.60! it's been a really wonderful week for me. eating lunch with people like Jonk, Darryl, Trinette and the rest, it really fosters friendships. for a short while i thought that people won't miss me since i have not been working for long, but God really knows what i think. and people like Mary jie jie and Darryl tell me that they will miss me at work and even invited me to work with them after my Os! God really answers. and indeed when we focus on Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts. Praise God, the lover of my soul! ((((: